Cohen:
I feel like I need to start this by saying that straps and people with straps currently, and are forever invited to, occupy a huge part of my life. (Seriously, if you are good with a strap, call me.) That being said, I do not own nor have I ever personally used one. I have had many partners who have used them with me, though, and I have experienced them in various ways. I am a pretty masculine being, so when I mention straps people usually assume that I am the person wearing them. This is completely false. There are some common misconceptions that straps are always/only about people who don’t have penises wanting penises, or about “making lesbian sex more like ‘normal’ sex,” or always/only about being masculine or male. Straps mean different things to and for everyone. In all of my experiences, straps are about a new and exciting way to make sure that you and your partner(s) are having the type of sex you want to be having. They can be a really hot way of getting closer to your partner — they allow for hands-free penetration and can provide the ability to put full bodies against full bodies, which I find particularly sexy. They also lend themselves to other positions that aren’t necessarily full contact, but are easier with the strap. Plus, they offer new sensations which can be PHENOMENAL.
If you’re interested in strap use, here are some things to remember:
- Condoms are still NOT OPTIONAL. Straps spread disease and STIs just as easily as anything else does.
- Change condoms whenever you change penetration locations AND whenever you change partners.
- LUBRICATION.
- Clean it thoroughly when you’re done. Toy cleaner or warm soapy water work wonders. Silicone, stainless steel, and pyrex can be run through the dishwasher or boiled. Pay attention to how the harness is cleaned too, and don’t forget to clean that once in a while.
When it comes to the actual sex:
- You can’t feel anything with the actual strap. If it is too big or your partner is not lubricated enough, it could be difficult for you to tell, so communication is key.
- Depending on your dildo/dong choice, it may not be flexible. Think about how flexible your ink pen is—yeah.
- Finally, thrusting and grinding are NOT the same thing. Don’t be embarrassed or put off if it takes you a little bit to get into the swing of things. It could look or feel pretty silly, and you just have to appreciate it and let it make you feel closer to your partner, not awkward.
If you’re thinking about getting a strap, the best thing you can do is think and talk about why you want it, what you want from it, and what it will mean for you. Own it, and let it be an awesome thing.
Enoch:
Buying a harness is a highly personal process: You have to decide how many straps you want, what material you like, how low you want it to sit. Do you want it to be utilitarian or ornamental? What is going to make you feel sexy when you step into it? Are you more of a studded blue pleather with a lace-up back person, or is plain black leather more your style? Do you want it to be able to hold a second or double-ended dildo, just in case that ever comes into play? There’s also the layer of penis or no penis. Do you want your strap-on to be your penis? How does this change what you’re looking for in a harness? For instance, do you want one you can wear under underpants so that it looks like your dick is attached to you, or do you want one that calls attention to the fact that you’ve put something on your body? What will that mean for your gender and the sex you have with your partners?
This question becomes even bigger in the decision process around dildoes, which is a shared one. When I was buying my first I was overwhelmed by the variety of options: If it were going to be like a penis, how veiny should it be? Should it have balls? How would my partner feel about that much realism? Could we compromise and go for something in my skin tone that wasn’t very realistic? If it wasn’t going to be a penis for me, could it still be penis-shaped? What color would be best? Beyond those basics, things like size and embellishments (ribbing, vibration ability, curve, flexibility, etc.) depended more on my partner’s preferences about what went inside her than on my aesthetic for what I would wear. We ended up finding a happy medium, so to speak.
I personally believe in getting a new dildo with each partner. There are many reasons to consider strapping up this way. There’s hygiene—sure, dildoes are more easily sanitized than flesh penises (and more fun to use condoms with, too,) but some people are unsettled by the idea of sharing insertable toys. Sometimes you may find memories and sentimentality get attached to a particular toy and getting a new one with a new partner allows you to have a fresh start. Additionally, your partners may vary in size, shape, and realism preferences. Maybe one of them is willing to try out a certain style you’ve had your eye on but never used. Or maybe one has a hankering for something you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself, but find you love it. Interestingly enough, the shape and size matter to both parties. You may fantasize about having a giant penis, and you can totally buy one of those, but isn’t it even better to provide your partner with exactly the size they were looking for?
About Enoch
In the moments in which Enoch is not cleaning or staring at hirself in a mirror, ze is most likely among friends talking about gender, talking to a stranger on the street about gender, or talking to drunken people at parties about gender. Enoch co-chairs TransAction, keeps a blog about gender, and has worked at the NYC LGBT Center’s Youth Enrichment Services program as a Safe Schools Intern and a Family Group Leader at their annual summer camp. Enoch identifies as a makeup-wearing, hyper-feminine, female-assigned, male-centered, genderfucked androgyne with a passion for facial hair and women’s shoes.
About Cohen
Cohen (Coury) Quick is a junior at Sarah Lawrence College, focusing in general sciences and foreign languages. Ze co-chairs the SLC Queer Voice Coalition and is adamant about the power of self-exploration, self-love, and self-appreciation. Coury has worked with organizations such as the Museum of Sex, Heartland Safe Schools Initiative, Amplify Your Voice, and the Great American Condom Campaign. Hir post-college plans include doing hir time in the Peace Corps, publishing some semblance of a novel, and teaching high school science.