One of the things I romanticize the most about Sarah Lawrence, that in reality probably isn’t even true, is the fact that I rarely felt uncomfortable around other guys for not utilizing my gender role to its fullest date-rape potential. Why would I? With all the gender bending, pronoun shifting, and ceremonial lesbian head shavings that go on at SLC, my refusal to watch a Vin Diesel movie was hardly any cause for alarm at cross-dress cabarets.
But now in Los Angeles, I find myself constantly placed in the “other” box when trying to socialize with people. I’m not quite “one of the boys” for obvious reasons, and I’m not “one of the girls” for more obvious reasons, although you would be surprised how many women think I would make the perfect fashion accessory to their West Hollywood weekend. But at least getting along with an XX-er, even the most gender affected, is plausible. All that is really required is a consistent nod, accompanied with the occasional “Ah, so that’s how you got your nails to look like that,” and “Hm, I had no idea a frappuccino had that many carbs.” It’s manageable by comparison to the alpha-male counterpart: the illusive1 “bro.”
Whether he comes in the form of a co-worker, your roommate’s bowling partner, or your friend’s new boyfriend that you have to pretend you like, at some point after you leave Sarah Lawrence, you’ll find yourself having to force interaction with one of these mysterious creatures. It will sort of feel like mixing oil and water and then being forced to drink it and then vomiting that oil and water up in front of the person you’ve been trying to impress all night.2 But luckily, when there’s a will to be a people-pleaser, there’s a way with Misha D’s simple guidelines to follow: the strict code of conduct needed when dealing with a bro.
For starters, no matter how long you know a bro for, the word “friend” is slightly intimate and therefore inappropriate to ever be used (unless English is your second language and you call everyone “friend”). Try “buddy” or “pal.” If a bro actually uses the word “bro,” as in referring to someone else as their “bro,” assume such is being done in a sincere manner, no matter how foreign it feels to you to not ask him if he is talking about a sibling in the 1990’s. If you yourself are being referred by someone as their “bro”, congratulate yourself that you have been invited to the inner circle, and then call me later and tell me what it feels like. Do not return the invite with a sarcastic variation on the word, using terms like “broseph,” “broski,” or “brozilla” in your most accentuated, graveled voice. They will not laugh. They might even think you to be sincere, and then you’re stuck being called Broseph Stalin for the rest of your social life.
Once in the inner circle, it’s important not to get carried away. Contrary to popular belief based on most of MTV’s advertising campaigns geared towards young men, saying you and a buddy have a “bromance” will make you look weird3 and will have you demoted to “acquaintance” or “guy I sort of know but not really.” So play it cool, and if you can, prepare for interactions with pre-disposed conversation cards. I prefer to use blue 3×5 index cards, but use what feels most natural to you. On these cards you should have all the basics covered: Sports, Cars, Dude Check Out How Sick This Chick Is, Sports, and Duane ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Once you’ve dedicated enough time to these, you can eventually graduate to more advanced topics, such as Sports, Cars, Dude Check Out How Sick This Chick Is, Sports, and Will Smith.
Personal information is not needed, nor wanted, when interacting with a bromosapien. One simply cannot begin the work day by asking if anyone else cried in the car on the way over that morning.4 A proper Monday begins with asking how a brobocop’s weekend was. If he returns the question to you, “got drunk” is a fine go-to answer rather than “made chocolate lava cake and watched Mildred Pierce.” After that, refer to your cue cards. Once your knowledge of all subjects has been drained, you’ll have to wait until Friday when you can ask the brominator what plans he has for the weekend. If the question is returned to you, “get drunk” is a fine go-to answer rather than “Work on my liberal arts column I’ve been slacking on and catch up on RuPaul’s Drag Race“.
As time goes on, you’ll find yourself more and more a member of the pack. You’ll find yourself invited to conversations comparing the physical attributes of every mutually known female to determine who would be best to grace with their genitals. You’ll get to learn who’s satisfied with his girlfriend’s fellatio and who wishes that the girl he’s not calling his girlfriend though she thinks they’re dating had more of a bust. Look at how lucky you are, getting to objectify women alongside these stallions. And once you’ve reached this level of bonding misogyny, you too can contribute with your own saucy tales. Unless you’re gay of course, because no one wants to hear that shit; that’s just gross.5
And most importantly, because our interpersonal relationships are nothing without a good sense of humor, be sure to know the comedic hierarchy of bro interactions. For example, an unattractive bro can harass a pretty girl with jokes about wanting to sleep with her, or a homosexual with jokes about whatever gross stuff it is that gay people do, and it is generally considered to be very funny—smart, edgy, daring—to go against the grain and be politically incorrect; the sort of humor that should be applauded. The reverse though, is, and should, be handled very differently and for good reason. If an unattractive girl makes a sexually persuasive joke at an attractive male friend, she’s just embarrassing herself. After all, there is a very big difference between getting a laugh and practically asking people to talk the moment you leave the room about how sad and awkward you are. And that difference is a penis. And a gay person should hopefully know better than to joke with a bro in any way that would reference the existence of homosexuals. That’s just harassment and really shoving the gay thing down someone’s throat and who wants that? After all, if you’re gay and a bro’s even talking to you, he’s acknowledging that he’s tolerant of whatever it is you do that he doesn’t want to hear about. What more can you ask for?6 You’re not giving them a taste of their own medicine, you’re just making them feel uncomfortable, and it’s really just unfair to them and not a very good way of making friends at all, now is it? If you happen to fall into this rabbit hole, get right out and count your blessings that HR hasn’t already been called in to settle the manner.
But really, getting along with a brother is just about being yourself. All of these rules and regulations are just a push in the right directions; things that should come naturally as you spend more time outside of the TeaHaus and start opening yourself up to the intellectually rich world a bro, your bro, lives in. You are no better than him, just different in the simplest of ways. Though he is probably a little bit better than you.
God bless America,
Misha D.
1 See: “unbearable”
2 Unless you’re one of those girls who constantly gripes about wanting to meet a “real” man, because SLC is apparently so lacking. In that case, fear not! In only a few short years you will have your fill of men to ignore you, cheat on you, and break down all the likes and dislikes of your body with his friends.
3 Weird as in strange, not as in a bromosexual.
4 Not that I’ve done that.
5 Unless, that is, you are an attractive gay or bisexual woman; in that case, do be sure to add “detailed accounts of my sex life” to your conversation cards.
6 I mean, what IS “equality” anyway??